Hamba Allah

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Kuantan, Pahang, Malaysia
Ordinary muslimah. Say, 'LailahaIllallah, Muhammadur Rasulullah'. Islam is the way of life. Age: 248 months (update: 18/08/11), Currently studying as a Medical student (future Muslimah Doctor insyaAllah) at IIUM Kuantan.

Monday, April 27, 2009

What wrong with my brain.. ="(

What's wrong with me..??
Eventho I've tried so hard.. but still, I end up to face failure...
I've tried so hard.. People knows that... S is what I did each and everytime.. I never left B even when I go for outing... I stayed up every single night to face B... But at the end... Failure..

Something wrong with my brain... I guess.. No matter how hard I tried... I always failed it... ='(

I wish I can give up... I wanna give up... I just can't stand with it anymore... I can't...

I can't...

My lecturer said to me,
"I know u are excellent student. I'm happy and proud that u can score 18 and 19 upon 20 in every single quiz that u take. But now, I'm disappointed... U have a very good brain. Maybe u studied so hard before the exam. Student can easily get blank during examination, and apparently that occurs to u... I just hope that u can accept what has been fated. Control ur emotion, take some time to rest. Take care of urself and ur health. I hope u can score during final exam,"

I cried... that moment I cried in front of my lecturer... So kind of her... Not only her, I'm also diappointed with myself. Everytime during exam, I can easily got blank. Yea, everytime... I dunno why.... And it seems this situation always happen to me since I step into 'Matriculation Year'. I didn't remember any of this happen to me when I was in high school..

What's wrong with me? Why I became such a stupid and idiot?!! Why... ='(

Even if I cry again and again, nothing could be done... Nothing.. The only thing that I can do is to struggle for my final exam next 2 weeks... I hope... I really2 hope that I won't get blank during final exam.. Please... I don't want to fail...

If my fren knew about it, I'm sure they will be shocked... Not that I want to be proud of myself, but they know and they realize how much I studied hard B subject... Real hard... Everytime I have free time, B subject that I revise... I must say, I studied B day, night and midnight... I love B but why I just can't score it? Why...??

If I'm disappointed with myself, I'm sure my family will be much more diappointed than I am especially my mother...

Right after I got my result and cried in front of my B lecturer, I called my mom. I wanted to tell her eventho it's so hard for me to puke out the words... But seems like she's buzy with her teaching or something... 30 minutes after that she called me...

"Assalamualaikum, nape adik call oma?" My mom's voice is so cheerful, I couldn't bear to tell her... ='(
"Waalaikummussalam, oma tengah wat pe?"
"Tadi ada kelas. Ayah dah masuk duit nak beli tiket. Rmxxx"
"Oh, banyaknye. Tiket bukannya mahal mane pown"
"Takpela. Kire duit blanje skali"
"Ok. Time kaceh...=) "
"Nape call??" Suddenly, my mom talk to someone else...
"Urm, oma call balik nanti.." and she off the phone...

Sighness... 5 minutes after that, my mom called back..

"Sorry, oma ada mesyuarat nanti. Nape adik call? Suara semacam je ni. Cam sedih je.. Ada pape ke?"
"Takde la.. Tak sihat sket. Lepas teman Yun masuk hospital, selsema tak elok lagi,"
"Owh.. tak p jumpa doktor ke?"
"La, nak dekat seminggu dah ni. P la jumpa doktor..."
"Takpe la... nanti2 elok la 2..." (That's me.. Very hard to meet doctors and very hard to take in medicine)
"Nie... betul takde pape ni?"
"Betul.. adik saje call oma..." Actually, at that moment, I'm trying to control myself from crying.. ="(
"Ok la.. nanti oma call balik ye... Jaga diri elok2. I luv u. Assalamualaikum.."
"I luv u 2... waalaikummussalam..."

And tears falling down my cheek.. Again... I wish I can tell u oma... Tapi adik tak sampai hati... Adik dah kecewakan oma.... Sori... adik tak berniat pun... Sori... =(


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